This May Be Why Your Relationships Keep Failing...

Learning about attachment theory completely changed the way I understand my relationships, both past and future.

If you’ve never heard of it, attachment theory was developed back in 1969, and describes the different ways in which we learn to attach to our caretakers as infants.

There are 3 main categories or attachment styles: anxious, avoidant, and secure.

These 3 attachment styles are what we developed as infants in response to how we were being raised.

If our parents were there for us, nurtured us, and met our needs, we often develop secureattachment, which follows us into our adulthood.

But if we were neglected and didn’t have our needs met, that’s when we end up developing either an anxious or avoidant attachment style…

Which, as well, follows us into adulthood.

The anxiously-attached child, in an attempt to get their needs met, would engage in “protesting behaviors.”

They would cry, scream, misbehave, and beg as an attempt to get their needs met.

The avoidantly-attached child does the complete opposite: when they felt their needs weren’t being met, they went cold.

They went quiet. They suppressed their needs. They shut down.

It turns out that these two attachment styles are what define a great deal of our relationships in adulthood…

If you are anxiously-attached, you may:

• need more frequent communication

• fear that your partner will abandon you

• interpret silence as neglect

• become easily jealous/suspicious

• be more ‘needy’ or ‘clingy’

If you’re avoidantly-attached, you probably:

• fear vulnerability and closeness

• feel smothered by commitment

• think you aren’t good enough

• avoid conflict

• shutdown when things get deep

Although poles apart, these two different attachment styles are seeking the same outcome: self-soothing.

Interestingly, anxious and avoidantly attached people typically end up attracting each other too…

This is because the avoidant represents something that the anxiously-attached person has yet to develop: independence

And the anxiously-attached person represents something that the avoidant hasn’t yet developed: vulnerability

These traits naturally attract one to the other, but unfortunately, their other latent attachment tendencies end up being the very thing that forces them apart.

The anxious one ends up pursuing while the avoidant begins to withdraw. And it creates a vicious cycle.

Securely attached individuals though, are open, communicative, grounded, independent, AND attached in a healthy way to their partner.

The securely attached person isn’t afraid to voice their concerns, set boundaries, ask for their needs to be met, etc.

And if they don’t feel happy in the relationship, they’ll first work on it, but then aren’t afraid to walk away.

See the difference?

This is very fascinating stuff and has completely changed the way in which I relate to both my past relationships and the ones to come.

Which attachment style do you think you fall into?