This is Why You Abandon Yourself in Relationships

I think one of the major reasons we’re so inclined to abandon ourselves in relationships is because of the level of importance that we give to being in one…

Think about it: how often does a romantic relationship come your way?

Maybe more often than others, but it’s almost never A LOT.

And combine that infrequency of potential with the negative cultural narrative around “being single”, and what you get is the perfect recipe for abandoning yourself:

Scarcity + Desperation.

With these two energies at work, it means we will do anything and everything to keep the relationship going…

Even if that means completely sacrificing everything we once wanted in a romantic connection.

Even if it means letting go of our goals, our dreams, our passions, our style, our friends… and, eventually, our very sense of individuation.

I think a lot of it comes from early childhood. Where we learned that love is earned by being a good boy or a good girl.

We were taught that love is achieved through adequate performance.

So as a child, we started taking notes: “in order for me to be loved, I need to stop doing this, start doing this, say this more, don’t say that as much, don’t do that, do that more,”

Etc.

Our entire reality became a performance to gain approval, validation, and love. And it followed us into our adulthood.

So now when we get in a relationship, and they bring up a problem with something we said or did, or a way we acted, we make a little checkmark inside: “okay, don’t do that anymore.”

And piece by piece… we lose what we are and are superficially sculpted into someone else’s perfect partner. All while never feeling good enough at all.

Here’s the switch you need to make (and be ready, because it’s a hard pill to swallow):

Stop registering them not liking you as data that you need to change…

Register it as data that you’re incompatible.

This is the key mistake we make.

We yield to their frame entirely, and lose ourselves in the process.

When what we need to do is hold our frame, allow them to hold theirs, and if it doesn’t mesh, then you both walk your separate ways…

No more trying to make the shoe fit when it doesn’t. No more chipping away from yourself to mold yourself into what you think they want.

You just…. Stop. You let it go. You let them go.

Understanding that being alone because you prioritized you is magnitudes better than being in a relationship that doesn’t even have space for you.