Stop Trying to Tolerate Toxic People

When we’re in a situation that we know isn’t good for us, we often ask, “how can I learn how to tolerate this?”

Whether it’s a toxic job, or a relationship, or a troubled connection with a family member, we try to find a way to become okay with it.

But when you’re exposing yourself to a toxic situation and asking yourself how to become okay with it… you’re asking the wrong question.

You’re asking 👉🏻 how can I learn to tolerate this?

When you should be asking 👉🏻 WHY am I trying to tolerate this?

The question isn’t “how am I able to tolerate this behavior?”

The question is: why am I exposing myself to a situation that I can’t tolerate?

We often register our inability to accept someone’s behavior as a flaw on OUR part.

As though if WE were more wise, more compassionate, more willing, we’d be able to be okay with it.

But what if the reason you can’t tolerate it is because you’re not supposed to?

Think of it like this: you exposing yourself to a toxic situation and asking yourself “how can I learn to accept this?” is the same as putting your hand on a hot stove and asking “how can I make this not burn?”

You see?

The answer is to take your hand off the hot surface. Not learn how to be okay with the burn.

And in this context, what that means is: get out of the toxic environment.

Stop trying to “tolerate” it.

The reason you can’t tolerate it is because you’re not SUPPOSED to.

Your intolerance to that toxic environment is your body talking to you directly.

It’s saying: “this isn’t a good environment for me.”

But instead of listening, you think “no, I can learn how to bear it. I can learn how to be okay. I can handle this.”

And so you task yourself with trying to bear something you weren’t designed to bear…

When what you should do is—to go along with the analogy I shared—take your hand off the stove.

Now I understand the complexity of the situation. Maybe you’re in a marriage that wouldn’t be easy to get out of, or you’re in a job that wouldn’t be easy to leave…

But if that’s the case, you need to stop asking yourself how to tolerate it, and instead ask why you’re TRYING to.

You weren’t designed to be able to tolerate it. That’s why you can’t.

And it’s only a disservice to yourself to continue to try to.

In those situations, what you’re really trying to do at that point is to slow the bleed.

But if you know it’s not good for you, your focus should become how to get out of it, not to learn how to be okay with it…

You see what I’m saying?

Your intolerance to it is not a character flaw, it’s data.

It’s data saying: I can’t handle being in this situation.

So take it as such, and move accordingly.

Stop trying to be okay with something you know you’re not okay with.